When I was still working in Helpdesk roles, I thought IT was going to be the field I would stay in until the day I dropped dead. I was convinced that working my way up this particular ladder would give me the feeling of success and accomplishment. I was also convinced that I would become an IT Director before the age of 30 for a company with over 5,000 employees, but that story is for a different day. In the years I worked in IT, I taught myself scripting languages, learned project management software, and even requested step-by-step growth plans from my managers so I could have a clear path to Systems Engineering. For someone who was labeled a Tier 1 Helpdesk employee, it was clear on paper that I had been going above and beyond what the role was meant for. When an IT Engineer role opened up, I immediately told my boss about it, and that week I was scheduled for an interview. I went through the interview, thought I did well, but in the end, the position was given to a different internal candidate who had been there longer.

No big deal, I had only been with the company for less than a year. I could grow in other areas.

Within the next six months, I participated in my first hackathon, automated some IT processes, and revamped internal documentation for incoming interns. I (at the time) felt that I had established a positive relationship with various members of the IT Engineering department to round out my portfolio for the next time another role opened up.

By the end, I had earned two certifications, worked on several projects, and had just been made Lead. When another role opened up, I applied, and the same thing happened.

At that point, I wasn’t quite sure what leadership didn’t like in my resume, or if they liked me at all. Regardless, it didn’t matter because there was only one question I cared about: Am I ever going to be good enough to be an engineer?

That particular event was the catalyst for the beginnings of my own case of imposter syndrome, a phenomenon that has plagued everyone in the tech industry for decades and, in some cases, affects women more than others. If you’re not familiar with the term, imposter syndrome is the acute feeling of self-doubt and the belief that you are an imposter amongst peers.

This can be caused by situations such as being passed over for promotion or an imbalance in diversity and representation. It’s a gut-wrenching feeling, and it’s even worse now due to the major number of layoffs affecting this industry. I made my transition into engineering by leaving that company for the same exact role and title somewhere else.

I’ve been working in the Security space for a few years now, and while I still get passed over for promotions, that hasn’t affected my imposter syndrome as much as the realization of how little representation women have in this field. To give you a glimpse of how small it is, I can count on one hand how many women are in my organization today. That’s about 15%, and less than half of that is represented by Asian women. Ever since I’ve been in this industry, every decision has been calculated, and I had to weigh the risk of being “discovered” as a “fraud.” All because I haven’t met anyone in the industry that I could relate to. I haven’t had a ton of success in feeling like I belonged in this community, regardless of all the accomplishments I can list and colleagues who can attest to them. The gnawing feeling of not being good enough was relentless and dug at my core until it pissed me off.

It really pissed me off. It got so bad that I started to question whether cybersecurity wasn’t for me,

Was I meant to be in IT or had I let my ego get to me? I was typing and deleting my resignation letter for weeks on end, trying to figure out the real reason why I had been feeling so damn icky.

That’s when I realized–I had perpetually moved my personal goalposts every time I achieved something. On to the next thing. Again and again. Metaphorically speaking, my 23-year-old self shook me and slapped me across the face to get me out of the rabbit hole of self-doubt I had dug myself so deep into that I couldn’t recognize all the hard work I had done to get to where I am today. The process of reflection to heal from that warped sense of thinking has to be one of the longest, lifelong lessons that I’m still working on. Realizing that if my past self had met me now, I would have never, ever, ever, ever, ever believed it. I’d be convinced future me was lying.

I began to read other blogs written by people like me, enterprises, and other content producers. All of them had two major themes: Impostor syndrome happens everywhere, and confidence is an illusion. When I say it happens everywhere, I mean it. Many women will experience imposter syndrome at various stages of their careers. Many of them seek mentors for support. If they’re lucky enough, they’ll realize early on that perfection doesn’t equate to failure. In case you missed it, I’m going to say it again: confidence is an illusion. There is going to be at least one person you know who seems cool, calm, and collected during times of pressure, but more likely than not, they’re also a ball of anxiety just like the rest of us.

I’ve babbled extensively about what I’ve done and very little about what has deterred me during my career, and that’s intentional. It won’t serve you, upcoming IT/Engineer, to dwell on feelings that make you feel inferior to your own technical abilities. What you do need to know is that it’ll suck when you start to harbor feelings of doubt, indecisiveness, or even failure. But like all feelings, they pass. You may or may not be able to control the situations that bring about these feelings, but you can control how you carry yourself when they do.