TW: Abuse

As we close out AAPI month, I’d like to take the time to reflect and express my gratitude towards my Filipino heritage and culture, as it has definitely been a foundation for the person I am today. The days I get to spend with my family are days that I will undoubtedly treasure because while time isn’t linear, it’s most certainly limited. The family parties and finding any reason to throw a party are what make the culture extremely special to me. But this post isn’t about that.

This post goes out to those who had to let their families go for the sake of self-preservation. I have read countless online threads on the damaging effects of toxic Filipino culture and how current and future generations will continue to feel its unwavering wrath.

The most common example of this is the idea that as a Filipino child, you are obligated to grow up following every single order without question. If you have younger siblings, you become free childcare. Finally, once you’ve become a full-grown adult, you are expected to become financially responsible for your whole family. The pressure of being told to become a nurse or a doctor was hard enough, but the added weight of making sure your immediate and extended family are taken care of could break anyone. But in Filipino culture, it’s expected because it’s tradition. Parents more often than not guilt their children into becoming the family breadwinner all because they bore those children. Then there’s the idea of providing financial assistance to your family in the Philippines because that’s what good kids do.

Another common behavior is being a devout Catholic and loving God by putting your family above all else, no matter how much they take from you. Divorce is still illegal in the Philippines, which puts many women in potentially dangerous situations. They can become victims of physical beatings, financial abuse, and emotional torture, which only becomes amplified when drugs and alcohol are involved. Some get lucky and are able to run away but run the risk of being shunned by the family for abandoning their husband and children.

One final tactic that is my personal favorite is the constant need for Filipino parents to pit their kids against their own cousins and siblings. It’s the backhanded comments the Titas and Titos make about how successful their kids are and demanding their own children to be more successful. You can buy yourself a nice Toyota Corolla, and in one fell swoop, your accomplishment can be diminished because your cousin bought themselves a brand new BMW. The ladders get higher, and the goalposts always change. The idea is to motivate their kids to become better versions of themselves, all the while forgetting to live in the present and provide a moment of pride for their kids.

I have a cousin who’s a few years older than me, and she is considered the “Golden Child” of the family. And they’re not wrong. She was obedient, never spoke out of turn, became a registered nurse, married a wealthy man, and provided grandkids for her parents. She did everything she was told to do, and she does it to this day. She’s also kind, intelligent, generous and a wonderful mother/wife. She was put on a pedestal, and she stands on it with pride. And until my family found out I was doing well for myself, I was constantly reminded that she was the one I was supposed to become. She was the goal. I have to be honest, I held onto a lot of resentment for a long time because it felt like I had to fit myself in a tiny little box, and that was just going to be my life. However, thinking about it now, I’m really proud of her. She followed all the rules, and she has a family that loves her, and she gets to host Christmas every year. In hindsight, she probably felt like she never had a choice because her life was already planned out for her. Is she happy? I hope so. Does she feel trapped? I would hope not. Those intangibles I’ll never really know or even come close to understanding, but I have the utmost respect to who the person she’s become today.

But I digress.

If you’re reading this and you’ve recently made the decision to break generational curses for the sake of your own happiness and mental health, I’m proud of you too. It’s difficult to walk away from something you’ve known your whole life, and it’s even more difficult to break the habits that have been hammered into your brain. It’ll be difficult, heartbreaking, and even lonely at times, but no one ever said that the journey to healing and realizing self-worth was supposed to be easy. The feeling of knowing you’re enough for those who truly see you for who you are is a reward on its own. You let me know when you make it to the other side.

To future Filipino American parents, let this be a sign that your children should not be put in this world with a job. And by job, I mean the job of living out your dreams, your goals, and ensuring your happiness. They’re just supposed to be kids. Who knows, they might become the heroes you’ve always dreamed of.